"Scattered Thoughts" A Journal

 

  I'm going to get back into writing about my vocation and my week. It helps to remember things, to learn and to share. I find if I write stuff down or mention it to others, even if it's pipe dream or a crazy idea, it's one step closer to happening!! It breaks up the Midnight Oil euphoria as well. 

Learning from Funerals

   I'm in this weird space of being 'in' what I do for 30 years. Although I was involved in Resource Ministry only 15hrs a week for 4 years I'm now 2 full time years into being a Minister of the Word with a local congregation. Engaging with bereaved families and leading Funerals is brand new. Like most things I've had many years of experiencing the leadership of others [best and worst].

   The words that come to mind as I type are pretty superficial, so the value of this journalling is to dig while I think about it all and get back into the habit of not just recounting but working through my story. One thing I'm learning is that each conversation with family members teaches me more questions to ask next time, about the persons story, the circumstances of their death, how different other family members are coping. There are questions about divorce, family bust ups, arguments and dynamics that effect who will be present, stressed and where everyone might sit.

   Not everyone is in the same space... 

   Not knowing someone was divorced lots of years earlier and the ex is 25 mins late but is parent of the grieving children. Asking the people your speaking with to draw the family tree, rather than sketching it yourself and sitting with gaps. Sticking to your insistence about visuals and music being ready ahead of time because that's best for everyone, not just you! Asking how many people are expected, not just how many printed copies of any material would be helpful. This happens when the people think only 30 people might want the printed Order but they say that expecting 170 people... 

   I had a conversation with a grieving daughter who took lots of responsibility for the Funeral plans. As we began to talk it was clear she didn't know where to start and in her mind that included what I might need to say on the day. I sought to start by hearing her story and then explaining how we might go about planning and what I would bring to that and invited her to tell me about her parent. I didn't ask enough questions about her sibling who wasn't present. I heard some cues about how they both came to discover the loss, but missed the chance to ask a couple of things that would drive what I said in the closing stages of the Funeral... it is hindsight... and that's a focus for me as hardest marker of myself. I have some added thoughts for my 'clip sheet.'

   Every person is different, every situation is different and we all deal differently. Sounds pretty basic but as an intuitive person I have to remember it means my 'radar' will be going berserk as I observe, listen, plan and as the realities unfold. 

   Finding it hard to say goodbye and let go, especially having requested a Funeral at the Church buildings with my leadership, while being strongly atheist or spiritual but just not quite "getting" church... some version of this in increasingly the most common situation. Two people I'm thinking of reacted differently. One person needed to control how everyone or anyone interacted with them as they wrestled with their own grief... then delivering a stunning piece of prose, so suited to the occasion, so it was like needing the space to get there. The other, reflecting on a previous bad experience, combined way too much spoken material with determining an ending that would allow them the last words. In doing so they missed the chance to let someone else make the space for their goodbye and they knew it in the end. The clever humorous plan didn't quite come off and after 85mins the wrestle was over. I also learned that both are well and truly responsible for their own journey and both did and will find their way... We offer what we can, we do what we can and also we recognise that at times we miss the cues for the same... I'm not explaining that well!!

   I agree with a colleague, who came to lead because of strong past family connections, that we as church need to do some serious reflection/work/resourcing in this area. It ranges from a 'not religious but Bible Reading and Prayer are expected and OK to not necessarily looking for a Reading but having asked for prayer or definitely requested your personal leadership [which acknowledges who you are and your ministry identity] and the possibility this situation might give a glimpse of hope or help...

   I must acknowledge the work of Dorothy McRea McMahon in her writing and the backbone of my template is her simple Funeral. The thoughts offered when the person may have been homeless, known only to a handful of people or without the luxury of a big budget [simple means poignant, open, inclusive, spiritual, powerful, good news and a great start, it does not mean easy, lacking substance  or avoiding] and help when I reached out with a Welcome and Prayer given the presence of Christians and Buddhists in the one family. In this context Geoff Smith, Nicole Fleming, Graham Anson and those who shared resources with them have been invaluably helpful when I asked for material in my 2 week settling in at Morisset because I somehow knew this area would be my biggest learning curve. In all this I started my own ritual. I believe strongly in taking space for yourself after a Funeral [it's exhausting] so I do take time to enjoy a cold beverage and a read of the newspaper in an enjoyable out of the way location [or just back at home if space is not an option] Even if something else needs to be done, I catch it up later. I post my 'job done' picture on Facebook for myself. It's an important 'spiritual practice.'

   Aaargh, I'll learn much more from reflecting on how this could be better written. I'll continue to attend to those I'm speaking with, to wrestle with who this Funeral is for and I'll take time to learn from every encounter. I'll ask more questions, take more space to reflect, ring back when unsure AND hope that as I get the hang of this I can leave space on the page to say things 'off the cuff' more than I have so far, for those 'aha!!' moments sitting up the front mid service... after all I can still count the number of Funerals on my fingers and thumbs... Oh and when the outdoor portable PA didn't get charged up, know that the Funeral Director has a plan B and can play that CD on the car stereo in the hearse!!!